P’s nephew who lives with us, is two, and the full force of the terrible twos are upon us. We installed a baby gate that separates his and his mum’s bedrooms from the rest of the house, to stop him from accidentally braining himself in the living area, and it also doubles as a convenient naughty spot. In the evenings though, he’s free to wander between the two areas and will often just ask for the gate to be opened when he wants to go though.
Toddlers are contrary creatures though, and it was hard not to laugh at him yesterday when he had an epic tantrum because he wanted the gate to remain open and his mother had the audacity to do just that for him. It became apparent that neither open nor closed was acceptable, and we were all awful people for being so cruel as to give him what he asked for.
Yep. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes infuriating, but living with a toddler is a test of endurance. It tests your ears, your patience, how alert you are, how well you can communicate to someone with a limited capacity for understanding, and how good you are at placing boundaries and sticking to them.
In fact, apart from his attempts to break the sound barrier, living with little monster is really a crash course in boundary setting and keeping – essential for all relationships, regardless of the ages of those involved.
Helping is not always helping
Sometimes people need to learn things for themselves and the only way they’ll do it is if you stop making it easier for them not to. I’ve learned to accept being the unpopular person if it means that we’ll both be better for it in the long run.
People value things more when it costs them something
Or ‘easy come, easy go’. Generosity is a lovely attribute but if everything you give is given freely and without condition, then it’s at risk of becoming an expectation.
Practice saying ‘No’
Everything in life involves some kind of negotiation. Some people are really good at this and can catch you off guard, making you give more than you can afford to. If you haven’t settled in your mind what your limits are and which battles are non-negotiable, you won’t be able to say ‘No’ when you most need to.
Be ready to cut serial offenders loose
After all that I reckon the tantrums we throw in toddlerhood don’t really stop, they evolve. People are still inherently selfish and if they’ve found a technique that gets them what they want, there’s no reason for them to stop using it. Doesn’t matter if it’s bullying, exploiting others’ weaknesses, being stubborn or playing victim.
Sometimes the best thing to do is leave people exactly where they are, writhing on the ground, and just walk away.
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